The Principle of Patience

 After the unpleasant work experience from my previous job, I decidedly hit a mental “refresh” button. I no longer wanted to work positions that made me feel small. No longer did I want to feel under-valued, nor have that sense of dread in my stomach when I woke up on Monday morning. The expression my father turned to in times of doubt in his own career was this: if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. This now became my sole aspiration as I searched for my next position.

 While I was unhappy with my overall experience at this previous company, I like to look at the situation as optimistically as I can: it taught me what I did want moving forward. (And what I didn’t). I wanted my work to matter. I wanted to be fulfilled from the time and effort I invested into my work. This next step would not be “just another job.” I was ready for something more.

 I refused to settle for less. If the job listings I found were not up to my standard, I felt my day had been a waste. I was caught in a net of negativity, arrogant in thinking nothing was good enough, but still wounded and fearful that settling for less would only lead to more heartache from my job.

 To say that “I applied to a lot of positions,” would be an understatement. If I blinked, I would see the “Indeed” search page burned into the inside of my eyelids. I dreamt of job interviews. My phone began to autocorrect the word “click” to “LinkedIn.” I had dozens of tabs open on google with various positions to apply to on the following day. 

 My days alone started to build up. My husband would go to work before I was even awake, leaving me to my negative thoughts and disheartened job hunting. Doing nothing for too long made me restless (and still does). The lack of productivity and self-sufficiency was grating against my personality. I was angry. I had no structure to my daily routine. My hunt for employment was starting to edge on desperation. Impatience was a thorn in my side and a rock in my heart.

 Contradictory advice from others had included “don’t give up, the perfect job is out there” or “you’re being too picky. Choose from what’s in front of you.”  Truth is, I started to feel defeated. I was being too picky. 

 So, I swung to the opposite extreme. I started applying for positions I didn’t really want. It felt like I had no other choice. I had no patience to keep trying, and just wanted to feel accepted somewhere. 

 Riddled with doubt, I figured it must be something wrong with me- not enough experience, not enough education, not enough not enough not enough. Yet, how was I to gain any more experience if no one was willing to give me a shot? How was I supposed to pay for more education, without any source of income? The vicious cycle had thoroughly taken over.

 It had been three months. I needed a win. I accepted an offer to a job I had no interest in. Not to mention, the first 90 days of this position was for an unpaid internship. In a way, it was a relief to let go of my ideal desires. Yes, I had settled, I wasn’t even going to be getting paid. But it was something, right? 

 That was the first step in snapping out of the cycle of negativity.